Video commentary
Before we set off on this road trip, I considered betting Chris (whom I furtively refer to as “Tahiti Green” as that is the vehicle color he was assigned to / bestowed upon and what I saved him in my cell phone under) that I would win this contest. Not that I would be parking a brand new Aveo5 in my drive way, but that one of my passengers would rise to the challenge.
My pride is on the line. And I’m honestly quite nervous. Tahiti Green’s videos get a lot of views. His three finalist videos average 31,440 views while mine average 21,265 views. Granted, I understand that my contestants are regularly attending class and volunteering at local food shelters while Tahiti Green’s participants are avoiding their studies to watch their videos late into the night.
So I’d like to take to this wholly impartial web log to do some unbiased commentary on each of the six videos. I’ll give a little background on the videos from the West Coast schools, but to be fair, I’m going to have to fictionalize incredibly inaccurate background stories for each of Tahiti Green’s finalists’ videos as well. Here we go:
San Jose State University – Alvin W. and Domingo C.
I picked these guys up outside of the San Jose Blind Children’s Center. They had just spent their Saturday morning teaching brail to visually impaired youth. They actually call Domingo Curious George because he occasionally wears a fur-covered monkey suit while reading Curious George to the children. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that the suit was somewhat senseless, except perhaps tactilely. It’s fairly obvious from the video, but Alvin does a lot of work with eating disorders, particularly with young women. Going contrary to the media’s unhealthy depiction of the unattainable, skin and bone super models, he’s actively trying to create a new, realistic ideal for the female physique. He advocates women to eat better (bacon, butter) and be proud of their fuller, buxom figure, especially in the donk area: having a full donk is a sure sign for a healthy diet. And he’s always ready to consciously improve a woman’s self-image with his carefully employed Oooo-ooooo! Even when he has the chance to win a car.
University of Maryland – Focused Voyeurs
I thought this video started out innocent enough: just two girls with a naively limited world scope going for a peer-pressured ride with a complete stranger. But then their scope gets even more pointed, so to speak. Here it is, yet again, a video about women objectifying men. The passengers could have chosen any supernatural ability whatsoever: healing the sick, time travel, [the ability to] instantly win an Aveo5, or even X-ray vision without such restrained stipulations. What else could they be looking at? They’re x-raying those boys’ pants to see one thing: their pocket books. That’s right, their girthy wallets; and the bigger, the better. It’s apparent that size really does matter. They’re doing some “preshopping” so that they can get down to the real shopping. And, I’m sorry, Katie, but global warming is not a super power. It’s a real concern.
University of Washington – Francis R. and Rollie W.
Genius. Pure genius. I don’t know how many record-label execs are watching this video (maybe 7 or 10 I’m guessing), but these guys are getting a contract. We can start the bidding at a milli each. And as soon as their platinum single, “Free Foolin’, ” dominates the hip-hop scene, we’ll easily transition them into a spin-off sitcom. It’ll be a modern day Odd Couple. Hilarity is bound to ensue when a fully Lycra-clad stripper firefighter and tightly vestmented, ordained priest are living in the same downtown loft. It could be called, “Burning Devotion,” “Hot Under the Collar,” or how about “Stairway to Heaven; Pole to Hell.” But these are just working titles and we’re open to suggestions. It’ll be like Heaven and Hell meets, disagrees, and finally learns something from one another over a 24-minutes segment week to week, for all eternity! Hallelujah!
University of South Florida – Belle and Gaston
Terrible. This is just terrible.
University of Oregon – Rani A.
I picked up Rani while he was waiting for the bus, like so many sitting Ducks at U of O. I’m sure you’ve noticed his sincere grin on his video’s thumbnail: daring, luring, beckoning you to watch his video. However, this come-hither smile is not meant for enticement. Sorry ladies, Rani is actually married to a wonderful woman enrolled in Dentistry School in Saudi Arabia. Hence the enamoring enamel. Rani is cutting his teeth on American culture while including some of his own. And what’s more American than a chance to win a free Chevy? And now that he’s set his teeth on winning this contest, he’s really put the bite on everyone else.
University of Houston – Sammy K. and Wilsam N.
Heath Ledger who? This guy’s the real Joker. He totally had me confused with that whole McCain bit. Needless to say, I was thoroughly entertained with this video. It felt like I was watching the much-anticipated third installment in Nolan’s Batman series, only a little longer. When these guys win the Aveo5’s, that dude can sell his BMW and purchase a home gym.
I hope that this straight forward, no nonsense, purely factual propaganda will help you to make the right decision (that being any video from the West Coast schools). I really want that 30-minute back rub I bet Tahiti Green.